DEPRESSION AS THE "NEW NORMAL"

Depression is the new "normal." Being split within ourselves, that is, being disconnected from our "true nature," or "God," or closeness with other people, affect just about everyone of us. Children, in their innocence and open-mindedness and non-judgmental spirit are generally free of depression, though it is most infectious and contagious and can be transmitted by parents, peers, and society at an early age. Teens begin to be affected once their childhood faith in life and themselves begins to fade, though some "hold on" for a time through their inherent enthusiasm and positive energy. Once they realize they are bound to a life of repitition, they resign themselves. Lives of resignation, which most people live, the same thing day in and day out, grinds us down. We respond in different ways. We seek escape in different ways. Some may addict themselves to mind-altering drugs to self-medicate. Some dedicate themselves to the cult of the body in which they exercise or even do extreme sports until the adrenalin rush takes them away. Sex too brings escape from the pain of being. Some "find God," which enables them to have a feeling of being "saved" and of "belonging," both of which bring a comfort and a sense of safety, especially if they engage in the "good work" of helping others. Some try to "understand" the "truth of it all," becoming "philosophical" and retreating from society's "falseness." Some attempt to express their experience of existence, usually exhibiting the split they see within themselves and society at large, through "art," which comes in many forms: visual, auditory, literature, physical movement. Some join groups which offer, like religion, a sense of belonging and self-expression and acceptance, which cover the spectrum from the military with its strong ethos and mythos to small book discussion groups. Some move close to the earth and find succor in working with and being in nature, which brings them "healing and peace." There are multitudes of manners of escape from the hardship of being alone in the world. We may mix them and find many ways of escape, but they only work to a certain extent, for we often find ourselves once again right here facing ourselves in these bodies in this world.

What matters is how we see it and how we therefore interpret it to ourselves. What does the world mean to us? What do our lives mean to us? Who are we? What are we? What are we doing here? To understand this in some manner makes all the difference in how we live our lives, in how we are able to live with ourselves and with others. However, when one seeks to "understand it all," one may come to the realization that there is, in fact, no such thing. However, at the same time, we realize that it is in our nature to "seek understanding," to "make sense" of what is happening so that we can live in some kind of safety in a most confusing world in which we may often feel quite alone. So we become able to "see the forest" without ever noticing the trees, or "see the trees" without ever noticing the forest. As already noted, we each have our own particular modes of escape from the physical reality of being in the body in the world. If we cannot "understand" life or ourselves, is it possible to accept this and simply "make peace" with ourselves as we are and with life as it is? Some would say "yes," but then we are faced with the questions: What is "ourselves as we are"? How "are" we? And just what is "life as it is"? We often say in exasperation, "It is as it is," as if "it" were external to us, as if "it" were happening to us and that we have nothing to do with it. We do not allow ourselves to realize that we are part and parcel of "it is as it is," that we actually have a say in it and are part of both the cause and effect of "it." Now, if we can even see that, suddenly our inherent "split" is somewhat diminished, for "we" are able to accept that "we" are both "out there" and external to ourselves and "in here" and internal within ourselves. We could go so far as to say that when we pray to God, whom we assume to be "out there" for the most part, we are also praying to ourselves. The ancient Gnostics said as much, as did Christ himself. 

The fact of depression of almost everyone becomes noticeable to most as they get older and their bodies begin to hurt and their health otherwise deteriorates. Most of us do not take this reality gracefully. Woody Allen said, to paraphrase: "I'm not afraid of dying; it's just getting there that bothers me." Our bodies literally break down and probably most of us break down in our personalities as well. We are no longer who we were, especially if we identify ourselves with our physical activities and endeavors. We no longer have the "energy of youth" or even of middle-age. Of course, this is not to say that we may remain quite "young at heart." Still, as we age, most of us begin to live more in the past, that is, more in our memories of our "prime" than in the present. Again, it all depends on how we see ourselves, how we identify ourselves. We naturally begin to dis-identify with our physical bodies and to identify with our more subtle, sublime, or "spiritual" aspects of being. Pain does help us to go this way. We look towards the "end" as a relief more than in fear. We become dis-illusioned, realizing that life and our lives is and has been quite illusory.

DEPRESSION IS NOT DEPRESSION: IT IS SOMETHING ELSE

People believe they have depression, that they are depressed. This is what they are told; this is the label they are given and which they then impose upon themselves. I have thoughts, emotions, behaviors which, without thinking, I might call "depressive" in nature, but, like I said, and as I say throughout my book, this is a label upon myself which prohibits me from observing further or going deeper to understand what this "depression" actually is. One can develop a technique of self-observation that helps to "get underneath" our feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and allows us to see what is really happening.

I thought about changing the subtitle for this blog to Seeking Something Greater Than Ourselves, for That Is What We Are, but then I realized that people have what they call depression for many different reasons. I realized that, for me, symptoms of "depression" occur when I am no longer engaged in seeking to understand what life is, where I belong in the world and the cosmos. For I have recognized, at least at this point, that the quest for meaning, in itself, delivers us from ourselves, from imprisonment within our small, limited version of ourselves and our lives, for it is an act of faith in ourselves as something much greater than our mere existence and the world in which we believe we live.

So, our depression is not our depression. That's a tautology, a false statement, circular reasoning that says we are depressed because we are depressive, which is ridiculous. There is so much more to us. These symptoms that we call depression can actually lead us somewhere that we want to be, can actually give us knowledge about ourselves and our lives, and about living life in this cosmos. If we are willing to attend to ourselves and where we go with ourselves, we can learn much. Life is not any easier, I don't think, but it sure is more interesting. Self-understanding is not eating shit, as it were; it's beyond that. Most people prefer to remain in a state which would be labeled depressed because, as difficult and as painful as it may be, it is predictable and therefore comfortable in its predictability. "I know I will feel awful and that I will suffer," has a safety to it. Understanding why it is awful and why we suffer helps us to not believe everything we think and not to think everything we believe. In other words, we can break the endless looping cycle we are in. This doesn't mean that we are no longer very sensitive or that we have episodes of profound sorrow or loss, but it does mean that, finally, we can see a bit of ourselves and have a some mercy or even a sense of humor that we could not experience before.

DEPRESSION: WINDOW TO THE SOUL, THE INNER SELF

Most people who are in a state of depression, which can often be very difficult and very painful, do not at all see that this state of extreme sensitivity, this feeling of being wounded by life itself, offers them a window that opens up into their deeper self, also called soul or psyche.

I speak at length in my book of this view into oneself that depression brings to us -- if we are willing to look. Of course, such a willingness to look is based on our acceptance that there is such an "inner self" and that depression provides a particular kind of opening that allows us to see into ourselves.

I'm not talking about self-centeredness or self-pity; I'm referring to a sense of extreme sensitivity to not only our own pain and sorrow, but also the world's pain and sorrow. In a sense, our own pain and sorrow is a direct reflection of the world's pain and sorrow, even though we may see it as only ours.

Again, I discuss this "sensitivity" in my book, and will also cover it extensively in a "Working Through Depression" ongoing class that is now forming in the Santa Cruz (California) area. Information on this class is given to the right of this section.

WHEN THERE'S NO WAY OUT

Sometimes, no matter what we do or how hard we try, there is no way out or even diminish the pain and suffering of depression. We are directly faced with depression, and with ourselves in it. When this happens, and it may happen much more often than not, we can allow ourselves to experience it. We can allow ourselves to be in our depression and be with our depression. 

In my book, I quote James Hillman, who wrote (in Re-Visioning Psychology 98-99): "Yet through depression we enter depths and in depths find soul. Depression ... brings refuge, limitation, focus, gravity, weight, and humble powerlessness. It reminds of death. The true revolution begins in the individual who can be true to his or her depression. Neither jerking oneself out of it, caught in cycles of hope and despair, nor suffering it through till it turns, no theologizing it--but discovering the consciousness and depths it wants. So begins the revolution on behalf of soul" (196).

In Hillman and Ventura's, We've Had a Hundred Years of Psychotherapy and the World's Getting Worse, the conversation relates to dealing with any problem and the necessity to be able to "be with" the problem rather than thinking we can just make it go away. 
The conversation:
"Hillman: And one day it [the problem: depression in this case] doesn't feel the same. The body has absorbed the punch. But I'm not sure that's because you processed it or got insights or understanding.
Ventura: Because you're sitting with it.
Hillman: Sitting in it.
Ventura: In it. And being in it, in whatever form, is the exploration.
Hillman: You're in it for a while, then you're with it for a while, and then you visit it.
Ventura: And then it walks with you instead of on you.
Hillman: And it may even go its own way" (32-33).

This "being in" the depression sounds very much like tonglen, the Buddhist practice I talked about here in late September. Both ways of approaching depression are quite direct and raw. They reflect a point of no return and no other viable choice.

Sometimes all the understanding in the world makes no difference at all; we feel what we feel and it is simply overpowering. There is no way out. If we are willing to go through the fires, they will temper our mettle, that is, strengthen our ability and our flexibility to go through the fires next time. If we are willing to allow this with and for ourselves, though it be profoundly difficult, it may be that our depression will reach a point at which "it walks with you instead of on you."

DEPRESSION: THE LUMP UNDER THE RUG

Depression is the big lump under the rug -- the proverbial dust and dirt of different feelings we never wanted to face and unfinished business which is now just too distant and out of memory -- that’s all been swept under the rug and our awareness for a very long time. We don’t know what’s under there and we have never bothered or wanted to look. We purposely swept it out of our consciousness to hide it, to get it out of sight. As they say, “Out of sight, out of mind.” Who likes dealing with discomforts and pains when they can just be hidden away like that? That is, until we start tripping and stumbling on what has become the giant lump under the rug.

We call this giant lump, “depression,” which gets bigger and bigger, seemingly all by itself, as we pretend it is not there—and keep tripping over it again and again. Still preferring not to deal with it, we purposely avoid the lump itself, even as it grows larger. The depression becomes so large and looming, threatening and frightening, that we may find ourselves paralyzed by it or even just thinking about it. We may glibly speak of the “solution” of simply lifting the rug up and sweeping the great collection of dirt away, but, in reality, there’s more to it.

Before we can even begin to talk about “depression,” we must have some kind of common understanding as to what we are talking about. We speak of depression as though it were actually a definable, singular thing. We say we are “depressed” and believe

everyone knows and understands what we mean, even though each of them has their own version of what depression is and their own beliefs regarding it. In reality, depression is a whole constellation of variables—feelings, experiences, thoughts, and memories that are reawakened in the present moment—that come together within us and affect us in many ways, often most disturbing and unsettling.

What do we mean when we say we are depressed? What is really happening? We lump the feelings of a mother whose child has died with those of someone who has lost their job, or with those of someone who got a poor grade and to whom life seems unfair. We equate grief with despair, and despair with sadness, and sadness with anger, and so on. There is so much confusion around the word, “depression,” that all sorts of feelings, thoughts, and physical symptoms, such as sadness, grief, exhaustion, loneliness, anger, confusion, despair, hopelessness, and anxiety are generalized under the singular label of “depression.”

Depression includes many different kinds of emotional and mental states, and relates to situations which may be acute or chronic, external or internal, individual or collective. It is this very vagueness, confusion, and lack of definition that keeps depression in place by not allowing us to see it or identify it enough that we might understand it, much less come to terms with it. We have an overall “bad feeling” and simply prefer “not to go there” because it’s too uncomfortable or painful. To do so may indicate to us what we see as our failing or weakness, or compel us to be more responsible for ourselves and our behavior than we want to be. So our first response to what we see as “depression” is one of avoidance. We might believe it will all just go away if we ignore it long enough. Or we may devise reasons to explain its presence and also reasons to explain it away. We don’t want to feel, much less identify, the emotions and memories aroused by our depression. We just hope it will go away.

Sometimes we simply blame someone or something else for our depression, then explain and justify our blame, and leave it at that rather than being willing to observe the depression as it persists within ourselves. Blaming is an explanation for our depression which we justify because we believe we can find some truth in it. If we lose our job, we may blame our employer, or we even may blame ourselves. In all these situations of avoidance and denial of our depression, we react without even realizing it, and then we automatically associate our reaction with its seeming cause, whether it may be depression or the loss of our job. We don’t just realize that we are depressed or that we have lost our job and leave it at that. Instead, we have our reaction and blame our reaction on the particular event without understanding that it is our reaction that we created. If we remain “stuck” in our reaction, we are consequently unable, if not unwilling, to accept and recognize the reality of our current circumstances and, as a result, are unable to deal with, much less work with, our depression.

LIFE IS JUST NOT THAT SIMPLE

In this blog I bring up many topics. So far it has been primarily a slow but sure presentation of my book, chapter by chapter, starting from the beginning. Every so often I add something in addition, either that I've written or have read, that relates in some essential way to depression.

I actually haven't gotten that far in presenting the book, since I present one small section at a time. Sometimes, due to the pressing circumstances of my life in which I am caregiver to my wife, periods go by that even extend to a month or two in which I do not get to writing the blog. But then I do catch up in due time. Of late I have been adding more that is not included in my book.

The reason for this blog today is the fact that life is just not so simple for any of us that any of us can proclaim or pronounce that something that may help us in our own lives will necessarily be effective in helping others in theirs, for each person has his or own way of being in themselves, with themselves, and also in the world. In other words, though there is certainly help for us "out there," outside of ourselves, we must each find our own way and come to know ourselves well enough. 

I put forth many techniques and exercises that have been quite helpful to many, including myself, but I present them not as panaceas or cures for all, but simply -- and humbly -- as tools that might be put to good use for those seeking to help themselves. I have taught and worked with groups and individuals on "understanding depression" and "working with oneself in depression." However, I certainly do not consider myself as an "expert" on depression. In fact I believe that each person who has depression is his or her best expert on it and on themselves. The primary key is the ability and the willingness to listen to oneself in depression and the courage to respond to oneself.

Each of us, I believe, possesses this ability. My objective is always to help people to trust themselves, to trust their own experience. So I also try to offer people such an experience of themselves through the various simply exercises and techniques that offer such an experience. I don't expect anyone to necessarily believe what I say, though I think that some things I might say may very well resonate with them, i.e. it feels true to them based on their own experience.

TONGLEN: A WAY TO PEACE DURING DEPRESSION

There is a practice that can be quite effectively put to use to bring a sense of peace while in the throes of depression. I’ve used it for myself and, though initially a bit shocked by its counter-intuitive approach, have found it to be very effective and, what’s more, very empowering in the sense that it revealed to me that I have a choice in the matter.

But let me introduce this practice through a brief story. I go deep into the nearby forest as often as possible and just sit there in the midst of great redwoods. The silence of that place and the peace I feel is beyond explanation and even imagination. I am simply in the presence of the great power and stillness of nature, and I seem to absorb it into my very being. Every thought I have, every stress I feel, just falls away and dissolves. Nature has this ever-abundant capacity to regenerate life. It is able to experience and absorb great destruction, such as when the babbling brook in this deep forest becomes an overflowing, surging river each winter, destroying trees and ripping away its riverbanks. But then, within a short time, the water recedes, and very soon new shoots appear; new growth takes over the whole forest.

I am speaking of a Buddhist practice, tonglen, which I now recognize within nature as this capacity to find new life within itself after great destruction has occurred or perhaps even as it is occurring. Tonglen could probably best be compared to the Christian practice of forgiveness, though, to me, it is far greater in context and effect. I tried this practice for myself many years ago, but found it simply too counter-intuitive to continue it. It is a breathing in of the experience of sadness, pain, hurt, fear, anger, bitterness, or any feeling that we would normally want to avoid, holding it and fully experiencing it for a moment, and then breathing out joy, love, kindness, understanding, and acceptance. Obviously, this is not what most of us want to do or believe we can do; thus, it is quite counter-intuitive, and something we just wouldn’t want to do. It’s most often practiced when one is faced with these attitudes as expressed by others often at oneself, however, it can also be practiced when one is experiencing these emotions within oneself.

I have practiced tonglen when faced with my own emotions and thoughts, including depression and its myriad feelings, in addition to practicing it when faced with others who are expressing intense “negative” emotions either only towards themselves and/or at me. It was only after spending time in the forest alone that I understood the natural power of this practice. Prior to this experience of nature, I simply couldn’t conceive that such a practice could work. Now, having practiced it for a while, I feel compelled to share it with others as a way to effectively work with and help ourselves in the midst of depression. When experiencing depression, my initial reaction is to definitely not want to be experiencing it, and even more definitely not to want to “breathe it all in” and to really feel and experience it deeply. However, I am able to overcome this reluctance and fear, knowing now that the practice really does work and is very empowering, revealing to me that I actually do have a store of love and joy and kindness within me that I can readily access.

I breathe in whatever I am feeling, including also whatever I am thinking, and I allow myself to experience and feel it deep within my being. It can be quite difficult and painful, bringing tears of sorrow and injustice and absolute aloneness, however, I allow myself to breathe it in and then hold it for a moment and even observe it from within. And then I breathe out joy and love and healing, even with a smile on my lips. This exhalation is not forced nor phony nor just in my head; it is real. I am relaxed and amazed that such joy and love can possibly exist within me, much less be expressed by me, but it is. When I exhale in this way, all the pain that had been there within me is gone, dissolved. However, if I notice that the depression and its feelings and thoughts return to me, I continue to practice this inhalation and exhalation several times until the depressive thoughts and feelings are actually gone. When I did this technique initially, I really wasn’t sure if it would work at all; in fact I was quite doubtful. But I really did “put my heart into it,” trusted that it could work, and it did. I was amazed. I really didn’t know that I “had it in me” to that extent.

The practice of tonglen has definitely helped me. I haven’t tried it with anyone else as yet, but I plan to. It does take a bit of faith, however, once one has a glimpse or a sense of its effectiveness, it gets easier and easier, and more effective as well. I think it was Chogyam Trungpa’s particular presentation on tonglen in Training the Mind and Cultivating Loving-Kindness that not only inspired me but also had a kind of logic that resonated with me. I’ll present some of his words verbatim here though not in this edition.

This is one practice that can help with depression. There are others, some of which are explored closely in my book. I do speak of self-observation or self-experience that is akin to both contemplation and zazen. Tonglen is more demanding that these, and probably more “sudden” in its effects. Obviously, it will be more effective for some than for others. Again, I plan to use it with people I’m working with.