DEPRESSION IS NOT DEPRESSION: IT IS SOMETHING ELSE

People believe they have depression, that they are depressed. This is what they are told; this is the label they are given and which they then impose upon themselves. I have thoughts, emotions, behaviors which, without thinking, I might call "depressive" in nature, but, like I said, and as I say throughout my book, this is a label upon myself which prohibits me from observing further or going deeper to understand what this "depression" actually is. One can develop a technique of self-observation that helps to "get underneath" our feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and allows us to see what is really happening.

I thought about changing the subtitle for this blog to Seeking Something Greater Than Ourselves, for That Is What We Are, but then I realized that people have what they call depression for many different reasons. I realized that, for me, symptoms of "depression" occur when I am no longer engaged in seeking to understand what life is, where I belong in the world and the cosmos. For I have recognized, at least at this point, that the quest for meaning, in itself, delivers us from ourselves, from imprisonment within our small, limited version of ourselves and our lives, for it is an act of faith in ourselves as something much greater than our mere existence and the world in which we believe we live.

So, our depression is not our depression. That's a tautology, a false statement, circular reasoning that says we are depressed because we are depressive, which is ridiculous. There is so much more to us. These symptoms that we call depression can actually lead us somewhere that we want to be, can actually give us knowledge about ourselves and our lives, and about living life in this cosmos. If we are willing to attend to ourselves and where we go with ourselves, we can learn much. Life is not any easier, I don't think, but it sure is more interesting. Self-understanding is not eating shit, as it were; it's beyond that. Most people prefer to remain in a state which would be labeled depressed because, as difficult and as painful as it may be, it is predictable and therefore comfortable in its predictability. "I know I will feel awful and that I will suffer," has a safety to it. Understanding why it is awful and why we suffer helps us to not believe everything we think and not to think everything we believe. In other words, we can break the endless looping cycle we are in. This doesn't mean that we are no longer very sensitive or that we have episodes of profound sorrow or loss, but it does mean that, finally, we can see a bit of ourselves and have a some mercy or even a sense of humor that we could not experience before.

DEPRESSION: WINDOW TO THE SOUL, THE INNER SELF

Most people who are in a state of depression, which can often be very difficult and very painful, do not at all see that this state of extreme sensitivity, this feeling of being wounded by life itself, offers them a window that opens up into their deeper self, also called soul or psyche.

I speak at length in my book of this view into oneself that depression brings to us -- if we are willing to look. Of course, such a willingness to look is based on our acceptance that there is such an "inner self" and that depression provides a particular kind of opening that allows us to see into ourselves.

I'm not talking about self-centeredness or self-pity; I'm referring to a sense of extreme sensitivity to not only our own pain and sorrow, but also the world's pain and sorrow. In a sense, our own pain and sorrow is a direct reflection of the world's pain and sorrow, even though we may see it as only ours.

Again, I discuss this "sensitivity" in my book, and will also cover it extensively in a "Working Through Depression" ongoing class that is now forming in the Santa Cruz (California) area. Information on this class is given to the right of this section.

WHEN THERE'S NO WAY OUT

Sometimes, no matter what we do or how hard we try, there is no way out or even diminish the pain and suffering of depression. We are directly faced with depression, and with ourselves in it. When this happens, and it may happen much more often than not, we can allow ourselves to experience it. We can allow ourselves to be in our depression and be with our depression. 

In my book, I quote James Hillman, who wrote (in Re-Visioning Psychology 98-99): "Yet through depression we enter depths and in depths find soul. Depression ... brings refuge, limitation, focus, gravity, weight, and humble powerlessness. It reminds of death. The true revolution begins in the individual who can be true to his or her depression. Neither jerking oneself out of it, caught in cycles of hope and despair, nor suffering it through till it turns, no theologizing it--but discovering the consciousness and depths it wants. So begins the revolution on behalf of soul" (196).

In Hillman and Ventura's, We've Had a Hundred Years of Psychotherapy and the World's Getting Worse, the conversation relates to dealing with any problem and the necessity to be able to "be with" the problem rather than thinking we can just make it go away. 
The conversation:
"Hillman: And one day it [the problem: depression in this case] doesn't feel the same. The body has absorbed the punch. But I'm not sure that's because you processed it or got insights or understanding.
Ventura: Because you're sitting with it.
Hillman: Sitting in it.
Ventura: In it. And being in it, in whatever form, is the exploration.
Hillman: You're in it for a while, then you're with it for a while, and then you visit it.
Ventura: And then it walks with you instead of on you.
Hillman: And it may even go its own way" (32-33).

This "being in" the depression sounds very much like tonglen, the Buddhist practice I talked about here in late September. Both ways of approaching depression are quite direct and raw. They reflect a point of no return and no other viable choice.

Sometimes all the understanding in the world makes no difference at all; we feel what we feel and it is simply overpowering. There is no way out. If we are willing to go through the fires, they will temper our mettle, that is, strengthen our ability and our flexibility to go through the fires next time. If we are willing to allow this with and for ourselves, though it be profoundly difficult, it may be that our depression will reach a point at which "it walks with you instead of on you."

DEPRESSION: THE LUMP UNDER THE RUG

Depression is the big lump under the rug -- the proverbial dust and dirt of different feelings we never wanted to face and unfinished business which is now just too distant and out of memory -- that’s all been swept under the rug and our awareness for a very long time. We don’t know what’s under there and we have never bothered or wanted to look. We purposely swept it out of our consciousness to hide it, to get it out of sight. As they say, “Out of sight, out of mind.” Who likes dealing with discomforts and pains when they can just be hidden away like that? That is, until we start tripping and stumbling on what has become the giant lump under the rug.

We call this giant lump, “depression,” which gets bigger and bigger, seemingly all by itself, as we pretend it is not there—and keep tripping over it again and again. Still preferring not to deal with it, we purposely avoid the lump itself, even as it grows larger. The depression becomes so large and looming, threatening and frightening, that we may find ourselves paralyzed by it or even just thinking about it. We may glibly speak of the “solution” of simply lifting the rug up and sweeping the great collection of dirt away, but, in reality, there’s more to it.

Before we can even begin to talk about “depression,” we must have some kind of common understanding as to what we are talking about. We speak of depression as though it were actually a definable, singular thing. We say we are “depressed” and believe

everyone knows and understands what we mean, even though each of them has their own version of what depression is and their own beliefs regarding it. In reality, depression is a whole constellation of variables—feelings, experiences, thoughts, and memories that are reawakened in the present moment—that come together within us and affect us in many ways, often most disturbing and unsettling.

What do we mean when we say we are depressed? What is really happening? We lump the feelings of a mother whose child has died with those of someone who has lost their job, or with those of someone who got a poor grade and to whom life seems unfair. We equate grief with despair, and despair with sadness, and sadness with anger, and so on. There is so much confusion around the word, “depression,” that all sorts of feelings, thoughts, and physical symptoms, such as sadness, grief, exhaustion, loneliness, anger, confusion, despair, hopelessness, and anxiety are generalized under the singular label of “depression.”

Depression includes many different kinds of emotional and mental states, and relates to situations which may be acute or chronic, external or internal, individual or collective. It is this very vagueness, confusion, and lack of definition that keeps depression in place by not allowing us to see it or identify it enough that we might understand it, much less come to terms with it. We have an overall “bad feeling” and simply prefer “not to go there” because it’s too uncomfortable or painful. To do so may indicate to us what we see as our failing or weakness, or compel us to be more responsible for ourselves and our behavior than we want to be. So our first response to what we see as “depression” is one of avoidance. We might believe it will all just go away if we ignore it long enough. Or we may devise reasons to explain its presence and also reasons to explain it away. We don’t want to feel, much less identify, the emotions and memories aroused by our depression. We just hope it will go away.

Sometimes we simply blame someone or something else for our depression, then explain and justify our blame, and leave it at that rather than being willing to observe the depression as it persists within ourselves. Blaming is an explanation for our depression which we justify because we believe we can find some truth in it. If we lose our job, we may blame our employer, or we even may blame ourselves. In all these situations of avoidance and denial of our depression, we react without even realizing it, and then we automatically associate our reaction with its seeming cause, whether it may be depression or the loss of our job. We don’t just realize that we are depressed or that we have lost our job and leave it at that. Instead, we have our reaction and blame our reaction on the particular event without understanding that it is our reaction that we created. If we remain “stuck” in our reaction, we are consequently unable, if not unwilling, to accept and recognize the reality of our current circumstances and, as a result, are unable to deal with, much less work with, our depression.

LIFE IS JUST NOT THAT SIMPLE

In this blog I bring up many topics. So far it has been primarily a slow but sure presentation of my book, chapter by chapter, starting from the beginning. Every so often I add something in addition, either that I've written or have read, that relates in some essential way to depression.

I actually haven't gotten that far in presenting the book, since I present one small section at a time. Sometimes, due to the pressing circumstances of my life in which I am caregiver to my wife, periods go by that even extend to a month or two in which I do not get to writing the blog. But then I do catch up in due time. Of late I have been adding more that is not included in my book.

The reason for this blog today is the fact that life is just not so simple for any of us that any of us can proclaim or pronounce that something that may help us in our own lives will necessarily be effective in helping others in theirs, for each person has his or own way of being in themselves, with themselves, and also in the world. In other words, though there is certainly help for us "out there," outside of ourselves, we must each find our own way and come to know ourselves well enough. 

I put forth many techniques and exercises that have been quite helpful to many, including myself, but I present them not as panaceas or cures for all, but simply -- and humbly -- as tools that might be put to good use for those seeking to help themselves. I have taught and worked with groups and individuals on "understanding depression" and "working with oneself in depression." However, I certainly do not consider myself as an "expert" on depression. In fact I believe that each person who has depression is his or her best expert on it and on themselves. The primary key is the ability and the willingness to listen to oneself in depression and the courage to respond to oneself.

Each of us, I believe, possesses this ability. My objective is always to help people to trust themselves, to trust their own experience. So I also try to offer people such an experience of themselves through the various simply exercises and techniques that offer such an experience. I don't expect anyone to necessarily believe what I say, though I think that some things I might say may very well resonate with them, i.e. it feels true to them based on their own experience.

TONGLEN: A WAY TO PEACE DURING DEPRESSION

There is a practice that can be quite effectively put to use to bring a sense of peace while in the throes of depression. I’ve used it for myself and, though initially a bit shocked by its counter-intuitive approach, have found it to be very effective and, what’s more, very empowering in the sense that it revealed to me that I have a choice in the matter.

But let me introduce this practice through a brief story. I go deep into the nearby forest as often as possible and just sit there in the midst of great redwoods. The silence of that place and the peace I feel is beyond explanation and even imagination. I am simply in the presence of the great power and stillness of nature, and I seem to absorb it into my very being. Every thought I have, every stress I feel, just falls away and dissolves. Nature has this ever-abundant capacity to regenerate life. It is able to experience and absorb great destruction, such as when the babbling brook in this deep forest becomes an overflowing, surging river each winter, destroying trees and ripping away its riverbanks. But then, within a short time, the water recedes, and very soon new shoots appear; new growth takes over the whole forest.

I am speaking of a Buddhist practice, tonglen, which I now recognize within nature as this capacity to find new life within itself after great destruction has occurred or perhaps even as it is occurring. Tonglen could probably best be compared to the Christian practice of forgiveness, though, to me, it is far greater in context and effect. I tried this practice for myself many years ago, but found it simply too counter-intuitive to continue it. It is a breathing in of the experience of sadness, pain, hurt, fear, anger, bitterness, or any feeling that we would normally want to avoid, holding it and fully experiencing it for a moment, and then breathing out joy, love, kindness, understanding, and acceptance. Obviously, this is not what most of us want to do or believe we can do; thus, it is quite counter-intuitive, and something we just wouldn’t want to do. It’s most often practiced when one is faced with these attitudes as expressed by others often at oneself, however, it can also be practiced when one is experiencing these emotions within oneself.

I have practiced tonglen when faced with my own emotions and thoughts, including depression and its myriad feelings, in addition to practicing it when faced with others who are expressing intense “negative” emotions either only towards themselves and/or at me. It was only after spending time in the forest alone that I understood the natural power of this practice. Prior to this experience of nature, I simply couldn’t conceive that such a practice could work. Now, having practiced it for a while, I feel compelled to share it with others as a way to effectively work with and help ourselves in the midst of depression. When experiencing depression, my initial reaction is to definitely not want to be experiencing it, and even more definitely not to want to “breathe it all in” and to really feel and experience it deeply. However, I am able to overcome this reluctance and fear, knowing now that the practice really does work and is very empowering, revealing to me that I actually do have a store of love and joy and kindness within me that I can readily access.

I breathe in whatever I am feeling, including also whatever I am thinking, and I allow myself to experience and feel it deep within my being. It can be quite difficult and painful, bringing tears of sorrow and injustice and absolute aloneness, however, I allow myself to breathe it in and then hold it for a moment and even observe it from within. And then I breathe out joy and love and healing, even with a smile on my lips. This exhalation is not forced nor phony nor just in my head; it is real. I am relaxed and amazed that such joy and love can possibly exist within me, much less be expressed by me, but it is. When I exhale in this way, all the pain that had been there within me is gone, dissolved. However, if I notice that the depression and its feelings and thoughts return to me, I continue to practice this inhalation and exhalation several times until the depressive thoughts and feelings are actually gone. When I did this technique initially, I really wasn’t sure if it would work at all; in fact I was quite doubtful. But I really did “put my heart into it,” trusted that it could work, and it did. I was amazed. I really didn’t know that I “had it in me” to that extent.

The practice of tonglen has definitely helped me. I haven’t tried it with anyone else as yet, but I plan to. It does take a bit of faith, however, once one has a glimpse or a sense of its effectiveness, it gets easier and easier, and more effective as well. I think it was Chogyam Trungpa’s particular presentation on tonglen in Training the Mind and Cultivating Loving-Kindness that not only inspired me but also had a kind of logic that resonated with me. I’ll present some of his words verbatim here though not in this edition.

This is one practice that can help with depression. There are others, some of which are explored closely in my book. I do speak of self-observation or self-experience that is akin to both contemplation and zazen. Tonglen is more demanding that these, and probably more “sudden” in its effects. Obviously, it will be more effective for some than for others. Again, I plan to use it with people I’m working with.

STEPS 4-7 OF DEPRESSION'S SEVEN STEPS TO SELF-UNDERSTANDING

4. FIND A PLACE OF PEACE AND SAFETY WITHIN.

We observe what is occurring within ourselves in our depression. This self-observation requires that we be able to

accept our depression as it presents itself, even though we may experience strong emotions, such as fear, confusion, and

sadness. This acceptance of the depression as it presents itself to us comes as we recognize the dynamics of the depression and our reactions to it. We become more able to see what is to be expected with our depression, that is, how it works, what it does, and how we usually respond. We also recognize that it will pass and that we will somehow make it through the experience. If we can observe our depression with this kind of awareness, we begin to become familiar with our depression and the nature of its assault upon us. And, just as importantly, as we begin to observe and experience our own reactions to the depression, such as fear, despair, and a need to escape in any way, we see the part that we play in the depressive episode and the effects that we ourselves create that both exacerbate and prolong the depressive experience. What we once saw as the “assault” of depression begins to shift into an understanding of the effects of depression upon us and our own role in the process. This deeper understanding and experience of depression make us more flexible. We become more aware of ourselves and our depressive dynamics, and also less reactive to our depression and more compassionate towards ourselves.

5. ACCEPT AND OBSERVE THE DEPRESSION.

We begin to not only observe the depression in its process, but to experience it from a safe distance, and “go with the flow” of our depression. We are now better able and more prepared to notice and observe our own emotional, mental, and physical reactions. In our noticing and observing our reactions, we may recognize events and circumstances that “trigger” our traumatic memories of past pain and loss, or failed expectations and beliefs that result in depression. We may have a vague sense—a glimpse—of both the source of our depression and its purpose. And we may even begin to recognize and differentiate our “depression” from our “sadness,” and our sadness from our “loss,” and so on; recognizing that these emotions are not all the same, but have been erroneously lumped together by us and others under a single label of “depression.” These different emotions or feelings that may express themselves within the context of our depression arise from different “levels” of experience and perception within ourselves, some of which we may be aware but mostly of which we are not. For example, we may experience sadness that we automatically associate with and call “depression” from different sources: the suffering masses of the world that we witness on television every day, a pitiful homeless person on the street, the serious illness of a loved one, or the thought that our child is having to experience his or her own painful “lessons of life.”

6. NOTICE WHAT DRAWS THE DEPRESSION TO YOU.

We begin to sense that depression may not come upon us randomly, but is drawn to us by something within ourselves;

that it is even beckoned to come to us so that we might be able to understand something about ourselves, or become aware of a deeper purpose within ourselves and our lives. We may see that depression comes to us as it does because we know that we need something that heavy, that crushing, that powerful, if we are to be shaken, moved, and broken to the extent that we will be motivated to both do something—the right thing—for ourselves, and even rebuild ourselves and our lives if necessary. One of the effects of depression is disillusionment, which is normally judged by our culture to be quite negative and destructive, and therefore to be avoided at all costs. However, if our lives are so based in illusion, in false appearances, that we live superficially and are superficial, then something is wrong; this is not who we are or what we are about. We know this inside ourselves and cry out silently for something to free us from these chains of illusion. Our depression holds the power and the ability to bring dis-illusionment to us. The experience may be terrifying and incomprehensible, but, nevertheless, it contains the key to ourselves and to our self-understanding and self-mastery.

7. COMPREHEND THE PURPOSE OF YOUR DEPRESSION.

As we understand and recognize the source of our depression, we become aware of the meaning it has for us and the purpose in our lives to which it leads us. Depression is often incredibly painful in its process. Observing it and learning from it are not for the faint of heart, but for those people who are sensitized enough to be capable of consciously experiencing the suffering it brings, listening to its voice, and courageously responding to its message. People become trapped in their own emotional responses to the reality that depression presents to them, while simultaneously remaining absolutely unaware of that reality, either because it is simply too painful to accept or too deep to comprehend. As a result, the pain, despair, fear, and utter hopelessness paralyze them. However, there is the possibility that, if done right (and there is no “one right way,” by any means), a person may come to the “heart” of their depression, and discover that what they call their depression is actually a sensitivity to their own deeper self, their own soul that speaks to them through the mode and vehicle of this acute sensitivity we call depression.

Your experience of this process of Depression’s Seven Steps to Self-Understanding has the capacity to help you to reframe your relationship with your own depression and yourself. “A Technique to Access the Experience of Depression’s Seven Steps to Self-Understanding” is presented in Chapter Eight. The following chapters provide a foundation of understandingand knowledge upon which to base your experience of self-understanding.