DEPRESSION AS THE "NEW NORMAL"

Depression is the new "normal." Being split within ourselves, that is, being disconnected from our "true nature," or "God," or closeness with other people, affect just about everyone of us. Children, in their innocence and open-mindedness and non-judgmental spirit are generally free of depression, though it is most infectious and contagious and can be transmitted by parents, peers, and society at an early age. Teens begin to be affected once their childhood faith in life and themselves begins to fade, though some "hold on" for a time through their inherent enthusiasm and positive energy. Once they realize they are bound to a life of repitition, they resign themselves. Lives of resignation, which most people live, the same thing day in and day out, grinds us down. We respond in different ways. We seek escape in different ways. Some may addict themselves to mind-altering drugs to self-medicate. Some dedicate themselves to the cult of the body in which they exercise or even do extreme sports until the adrenalin rush takes them away. Sex too brings escape from the pain of being. Some "find God," which enables them to have a feeling of being "saved" and of "belonging," both of which bring a comfort and a sense of safety, especially if they engage in the "good work" of helping others. Some try to "understand" the "truth of it all," becoming "philosophical" and retreating from society's "falseness." Some attempt to express their experience of existence, usually exhibiting the split they see within themselves and society at large, through "art," which comes in many forms: visual, auditory, literature, physical movement. Some join groups which offer, like religion, a sense of belonging and self-expression and acceptance, which cover the spectrum from the military with its strong ethos and mythos to small book discussion groups. Some move close to the earth and find succor in working with and being in nature, which brings them "healing and peace." There are multitudes of manners of escape from the hardship of being alone in the world. We may mix them and find many ways of escape, but they only work to a certain extent, for we often find ourselves once again right here facing ourselves in these bodies in this world.

What matters is how we see it and how we therefore interpret it to ourselves. What does the world mean to us? What do our lives mean to us? Who are we? What are we? What are we doing here? To understand this in some manner makes all the difference in how we live our lives, in how we are able to live with ourselves and with others. However, when one seeks to "understand it all," one may come to the realization that there is, in fact, no such thing. However, at the same time, we realize that it is in our nature to "seek understanding," to "make sense" of what is happening so that we can live in some kind of safety in a most confusing world in which we may often feel quite alone. So we become able to "see the forest" without ever noticing the trees, or "see the trees" without ever noticing the forest. As already noted, we each have our own particular modes of escape from the physical reality of being in the body in the world. If we cannot "understand" life or ourselves, is it possible to accept this and simply "make peace" with ourselves as we are and with life as it is? Some would say "yes," but then we are faced with the questions: What is "ourselves as we are"? How "are" we? And just what is "life as it is"? We often say in exasperation, "It is as it is," as if "it" were external to us, as if "it" were happening to us and that we have nothing to do with it. We do not allow ourselves to realize that we are part and parcel of "it is as it is," that we actually have a say in it and are part of both the cause and effect of "it." Now, if we can even see that, suddenly our inherent "split" is somewhat diminished, for "we" are able to accept that "we" are both "out there" and external to ourselves and "in here" and internal within ourselves. We could go so far as to say that when we pray to God, whom we assume to be "out there" for the most part, we are also praying to ourselves. The ancient Gnostics said as much, as did Christ himself. 

The fact of depression of almost everyone becomes noticeable to most as they get older and their bodies begin to hurt and their health otherwise deteriorates. Most of us do not take this reality gracefully. Woody Allen said, to paraphrase: "I'm not afraid of dying; it's just getting there that bothers me." Our bodies literally break down and probably most of us break down in our personalities as well. We are no longer who we were, especially if we identify ourselves with our physical activities and endeavors. We no longer have the "energy of youth" or even of middle-age. Of course, this is not to say that we may remain quite "young at heart." Still, as we age, most of us begin to live more in the past, that is, more in our memories of our "prime" than in the present. Again, it all depends on how we see ourselves, how we identify ourselves. We naturally begin to dis-identify with our physical bodies and to identify with our more subtle, sublime, or "spiritual" aspects of being. Pain does help us to go this way. We look towards the "end" as a relief more than in fear. We become dis-illusioned, realizing that life and our lives is and has been quite illusory.

DEPRESSION IS NOT DEPRESSION: IT IS SOMETHING ELSE

People believe they have depression, that they are depressed. This is what they are told; this is the label they are given and which they then impose upon themselves. I have thoughts, emotions, behaviors which, without thinking, I might call "depressive" in nature, but, like I said, and as I say throughout my book, this is a label upon myself which prohibits me from observing further or going deeper to understand what this "depression" actually is. One can develop a technique of self-observation that helps to "get underneath" our feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and allows us to see what is really happening.

I thought about changing the subtitle for this blog to Seeking Something Greater Than Ourselves, for That Is What We Are, but then I realized that people have what they call depression for many different reasons. I realized that, for me, symptoms of "depression" occur when I am no longer engaged in seeking to understand what life is, where I belong in the world and the cosmos. For I have recognized, at least at this point, that the quest for meaning, in itself, delivers us from ourselves, from imprisonment within our small, limited version of ourselves and our lives, for it is an act of faith in ourselves as something much greater than our mere existence and the world in which we believe we live.

So, our depression is not our depression. That's a tautology, a false statement, circular reasoning that says we are depressed because we are depressive, which is ridiculous. There is so much more to us. These symptoms that we call depression can actually lead us somewhere that we want to be, can actually give us knowledge about ourselves and our lives, and about living life in this cosmos. If we are willing to attend to ourselves and where we go with ourselves, we can learn much. Life is not any easier, I don't think, but it sure is more interesting. Self-understanding is not eating shit, as it were; it's beyond that. Most people prefer to remain in a state which would be labeled depressed because, as difficult and as painful as it may be, it is predictable and therefore comfortable in its predictability. "I know I will feel awful and that I will suffer," has a safety to it. Understanding why it is awful and why we suffer helps us to not believe everything we think and not to think everything we believe. In other words, we can break the endless looping cycle we are in. This doesn't mean that we are no longer very sensitive or that we have episodes of profound sorrow or loss, but it does mean that, finally, we can see a bit of ourselves and have a some mercy or even a sense of humor that we could not experience before.

DEPRESSION: WINDOW TO THE SOUL, THE INNER SELF

Most people who are in a state of depression, which can often be very difficult and very painful, do not at all see that this state of extreme sensitivity, this feeling of being wounded by life itself, offers them a window that opens up into their deeper self, also called soul or psyche.

I speak at length in my book of this view into oneself that depression brings to us -- if we are willing to look. Of course, such a willingness to look is based on our acceptance that there is such an "inner self" and that depression provides a particular kind of opening that allows us to see into ourselves.

I'm not talking about self-centeredness or self-pity; I'm referring to a sense of extreme sensitivity to not only our own pain and sorrow, but also the world's pain and sorrow. In a sense, our own pain and sorrow is a direct reflection of the world's pain and sorrow, even though we may see it as only ours.

Again, I discuss this "sensitivity" in my book, and will also cover it extensively in a "Working Through Depression" ongoing class that is now forming in the Santa Cruz (California) area. Information on this class is given to the right of this section.

WHEN THERE'S NO WAY OUT

Sometimes, no matter what we do or how hard we try, there is no way out or even diminish the pain and suffering of depression. We are directly faced with depression, and with ourselves in it. When this happens, and it may happen much more often than not, we can allow ourselves to experience it. We can allow ourselves to be in our depression and be with our depression. 

In my book, I quote James Hillman, who wrote (in Re-Visioning Psychology 98-99): "Yet through depression we enter depths and in depths find soul. Depression ... brings refuge, limitation, focus, gravity, weight, and humble powerlessness. It reminds of death. The true revolution begins in the individual who can be true to his or her depression. Neither jerking oneself out of it, caught in cycles of hope and despair, nor suffering it through till it turns, no theologizing it--but discovering the consciousness and depths it wants. So begins the revolution on behalf of soul" (196).

In Hillman and Ventura's, We've Had a Hundred Years of Psychotherapy and the World's Getting Worse, the conversation relates to dealing with any problem and the necessity to be able to "be with" the problem rather than thinking we can just make it go away. 
The conversation:
"Hillman: And one day it [the problem: depression in this case] doesn't feel the same. The body has absorbed the punch. But I'm not sure that's because you processed it or got insights or understanding.
Ventura: Because you're sitting with it.
Hillman: Sitting in it.
Ventura: In it. And being in it, in whatever form, is the exploration.
Hillman: You're in it for a while, then you're with it for a while, and then you visit it.
Ventura: And then it walks with you instead of on you.
Hillman: And it may even go its own way" (32-33).

This "being in" the depression sounds very much like tonglen, the Buddhist practice I talked about here in late September. Both ways of approaching depression are quite direct and raw. They reflect a point of no return and no other viable choice.

Sometimes all the understanding in the world makes no difference at all; we feel what we feel and it is simply overpowering. There is no way out. If we are willing to go through the fires, they will temper our mettle, that is, strengthen our ability and our flexibility to go through the fires next time. If we are willing to allow this with and for ourselves, though it be profoundly difficult, it may be that our depression will reach a point at which "it walks with you instead of on you."

DEPRESSION: THE LUMP UNDER THE RUG

Depression is the big lump under the rug -- the proverbial dust and dirt of different feelings we never wanted to face and unfinished business which is now just too distant and out of memory -- that’s all been swept under the rug and our awareness for a very long time. We don’t know what’s under there and we have never bothered or wanted to look. We purposely swept it out of our consciousness to hide it, to get it out of sight. As they say, “Out of sight, out of mind.” Who likes dealing with discomforts and pains when they can just be hidden away like that? That is, until we start tripping and stumbling on what has become the giant lump under the rug.

We call this giant lump, “depression,” which gets bigger and bigger, seemingly all by itself, as we pretend it is not there—and keep tripping over it again and again. Still preferring not to deal with it, we purposely avoid the lump itself, even as it grows larger. The depression becomes so large and looming, threatening and frightening, that we may find ourselves paralyzed by it or even just thinking about it. We may glibly speak of the “solution” of simply lifting the rug up and sweeping the great collection of dirt away, but, in reality, there’s more to it.

Before we can even begin to talk about “depression,” we must have some kind of common understanding as to what we are talking about. We speak of depression as though it were actually a definable, singular thing. We say we are “depressed” and believe

everyone knows and understands what we mean, even though each of them has their own version of what depression is and their own beliefs regarding it. In reality, depression is a whole constellation of variables—feelings, experiences, thoughts, and memories that are reawakened in the present moment—that come together within us and affect us in many ways, often most disturbing and unsettling.

What do we mean when we say we are depressed? What is really happening? We lump the feelings of a mother whose child has died with those of someone who has lost their job, or with those of someone who got a poor grade and to whom life seems unfair. We equate grief with despair, and despair with sadness, and sadness with anger, and so on. There is so much confusion around the word, “depression,” that all sorts of feelings, thoughts, and physical symptoms, such as sadness, grief, exhaustion, loneliness, anger, confusion, despair, hopelessness, and anxiety are generalized under the singular label of “depression.”

Depression includes many different kinds of emotional and mental states, and relates to situations which may be acute or chronic, external or internal, individual or collective. It is this very vagueness, confusion, and lack of definition that keeps depression in place by not allowing us to see it or identify it enough that we might understand it, much less come to terms with it. We have an overall “bad feeling” and simply prefer “not to go there” because it’s too uncomfortable or painful. To do so may indicate to us what we see as our failing or weakness, or compel us to be more responsible for ourselves and our behavior than we want to be. So our first response to what we see as “depression” is one of avoidance. We might believe it will all just go away if we ignore it long enough. Or we may devise reasons to explain its presence and also reasons to explain it away. We don’t want to feel, much less identify, the emotions and memories aroused by our depression. We just hope it will go away.

Sometimes we simply blame someone or something else for our depression, then explain and justify our blame, and leave it at that rather than being willing to observe the depression as it persists within ourselves. Blaming is an explanation for our depression which we justify because we believe we can find some truth in it. If we lose our job, we may blame our employer, or we even may blame ourselves. In all these situations of avoidance and denial of our depression, we react without even realizing it, and then we automatically associate our reaction with its seeming cause, whether it may be depression or the loss of our job. We don’t just realize that we are depressed or that we have lost our job and leave it at that. Instead, we have our reaction and blame our reaction on the particular event without understanding that it is our reaction that we created. If we remain “stuck” in our reaction, we are consequently unable, if not unwilling, to accept and recognize the reality of our current circumstances and, as a result, are unable to deal with, much less work with, our depression.

LIFE IS JUST NOT THAT SIMPLE

In this blog I bring up many topics. So far it has been primarily a slow but sure presentation of my book, chapter by chapter, starting from the beginning. Every so often I add something in addition, either that I've written or have read, that relates in some essential way to depression.

I actually haven't gotten that far in presenting the book, since I present one small section at a time. Sometimes, due to the pressing circumstances of my life in which I am caregiver to my wife, periods go by that even extend to a month or two in which I do not get to writing the blog. But then I do catch up in due time. Of late I have been adding more that is not included in my book.

The reason for this blog today is the fact that life is just not so simple for any of us that any of us can proclaim or pronounce that something that may help us in our own lives will necessarily be effective in helping others in theirs, for each person has his or own way of being in themselves, with themselves, and also in the world. In other words, though there is certainly help for us "out there," outside of ourselves, we must each find our own way and come to know ourselves well enough. 

I put forth many techniques and exercises that have been quite helpful to many, including myself, but I present them not as panaceas or cures for all, but simply -- and humbly -- as tools that might be put to good use for those seeking to help themselves. I have taught and worked with groups and individuals on "understanding depression" and "working with oneself in depression." However, I certainly do not consider myself as an "expert" on depression. In fact I believe that each person who has depression is his or her best expert on it and on themselves. The primary key is the ability and the willingness to listen to oneself in depression and the courage to respond to oneself.

Each of us, I believe, possesses this ability. My objective is always to help people to trust themselves, to trust their own experience. So I also try to offer people such an experience of themselves through the various simply exercises and techniques that offer such an experience. I don't expect anyone to necessarily believe what I say, though I think that some things I might say may very well resonate with them, i.e. it feels true to them based on their own experience.

TONGLEN: A WAY TO PEACE DURING DEPRESSION

There is a practice that can be quite effectively put to use to bring a sense of peace while in the throes of depression. I’ve used it for myself and, though initially a bit shocked by its counter-intuitive approach, have found it to be very effective and, what’s more, very empowering in the sense that it revealed to me that I have a choice in the matter.

But let me introduce this practice through a brief story. I go deep into the nearby forest as often as possible and just sit there in the midst of great redwoods. The silence of that place and the peace I feel is beyond explanation and even imagination. I am simply in the presence of the great power and stillness of nature, and I seem to absorb it into my very being. Every thought I have, every stress I feel, just falls away and dissolves. Nature has this ever-abundant capacity to regenerate life. It is able to experience and absorb great destruction, such as when the babbling brook in this deep forest becomes an overflowing, surging river each winter, destroying trees and ripping away its riverbanks. But then, within a short time, the water recedes, and very soon new shoots appear; new growth takes over the whole forest.

I am speaking of a Buddhist practice, tonglen, which I now recognize within nature as this capacity to find new life within itself after great destruction has occurred or perhaps even as it is occurring. Tonglen could probably best be compared to the Christian practice of forgiveness, though, to me, it is far greater in context and effect. I tried this practice for myself many years ago, but found it simply too counter-intuitive to continue it. It is a breathing in of the experience of sadness, pain, hurt, fear, anger, bitterness, or any feeling that we would normally want to avoid, holding it and fully experiencing it for a moment, and then breathing out joy, love, kindness, understanding, and acceptance. Obviously, this is not what most of us want to do or believe we can do; thus, it is quite counter-intuitive, and something we just wouldn’t want to do. It’s most often practiced when one is faced with these attitudes as expressed by others often at oneself, however, it can also be practiced when one is experiencing these emotions within oneself.

I have practiced tonglen when faced with my own emotions and thoughts, including depression and its myriad feelings, in addition to practicing it when faced with others who are expressing intense “negative” emotions either only towards themselves and/or at me. It was only after spending time in the forest alone that I understood the natural power of this practice. Prior to this experience of nature, I simply couldn’t conceive that such a practice could work. Now, having practiced it for a while, I feel compelled to share it with others as a way to effectively work with and help ourselves in the midst of depression. When experiencing depression, my initial reaction is to definitely not want to be experiencing it, and even more definitely not to want to “breathe it all in” and to really feel and experience it deeply. However, I am able to overcome this reluctance and fear, knowing now that the practice really does work and is very empowering, revealing to me that I actually do have a store of love and joy and kindness within me that I can readily access.

I breathe in whatever I am feeling, including also whatever I am thinking, and I allow myself to experience and feel it deep within my being. It can be quite difficult and painful, bringing tears of sorrow and injustice and absolute aloneness, however, I allow myself to breathe it in and then hold it for a moment and even observe it from within. And then I breathe out joy and love and healing, even with a smile on my lips. This exhalation is not forced nor phony nor just in my head; it is real. I am relaxed and amazed that such joy and love can possibly exist within me, much less be expressed by me, but it is. When I exhale in this way, all the pain that had been there within me is gone, dissolved. However, if I notice that the depression and its feelings and thoughts return to me, I continue to practice this inhalation and exhalation several times until the depressive thoughts and feelings are actually gone. When I did this technique initially, I really wasn’t sure if it would work at all; in fact I was quite doubtful. But I really did “put my heart into it,” trusted that it could work, and it did. I was amazed. I really didn’t know that I “had it in me” to that extent.

The practice of tonglen has definitely helped me. I haven’t tried it with anyone else as yet, but I plan to. It does take a bit of faith, however, once one has a glimpse or a sense of its effectiveness, it gets easier and easier, and more effective as well. I think it was Chogyam Trungpa’s particular presentation on tonglen in Training the Mind and Cultivating Loving-Kindness that not only inspired me but also had a kind of logic that resonated with me. I’ll present some of his words verbatim here though not in this edition.

This is one practice that can help with depression. There are others, some of which are explored closely in my book. I do speak of self-observation or self-experience that is akin to both contemplation and zazen. Tonglen is more demanding that these, and probably more “sudden” in its effects. Obviously, it will be more effective for some than for others. Again, I plan to use it with people I’m working with.

STEPS 4-7 OF DEPRESSION'S SEVEN STEPS TO SELF-UNDERSTANDING

4. FIND A PLACE OF PEACE AND SAFETY WITHIN.

We observe what is occurring within ourselves in our depression. This self-observation requires that we be able to

accept our depression as it presents itself, even though we may experience strong emotions, such as fear, confusion, and

sadness. This acceptance of the depression as it presents itself to us comes as we recognize the dynamics of the depression and our reactions to it. We become more able to see what is to be expected with our depression, that is, how it works, what it does, and how we usually respond. We also recognize that it will pass and that we will somehow make it through the experience. If we can observe our depression with this kind of awareness, we begin to become familiar with our depression and the nature of its assault upon us. And, just as importantly, as we begin to observe and experience our own reactions to the depression, such as fear, despair, and a need to escape in any way, we see the part that we play in the depressive episode and the effects that we ourselves create that both exacerbate and prolong the depressive experience. What we once saw as the “assault” of depression begins to shift into an understanding of the effects of depression upon us and our own role in the process. This deeper understanding and experience of depression make us more flexible. We become more aware of ourselves and our depressive dynamics, and also less reactive to our depression and more compassionate towards ourselves.

5. ACCEPT AND OBSERVE THE DEPRESSION.

We begin to not only observe the depression in its process, but to experience it from a safe distance, and “go with the flow” of our depression. We are now better able and more prepared to notice and observe our own emotional, mental, and physical reactions. In our noticing and observing our reactions, we may recognize events and circumstances that “trigger” our traumatic memories of past pain and loss, or failed expectations and beliefs that result in depression. We may have a vague sense—a glimpse—of both the source of our depression and its purpose. And we may even begin to recognize and differentiate our “depression” from our “sadness,” and our sadness from our “loss,” and so on; recognizing that these emotions are not all the same, but have been erroneously lumped together by us and others under a single label of “depression.” These different emotions or feelings that may express themselves within the context of our depression arise from different “levels” of experience and perception within ourselves, some of which we may be aware but mostly of which we are not. For example, we may experience sadness that we automatically associate with and call “depression” from different sources: the suffering masses of the world that we witness on television every day, a pitiful homeless person on the street, the serious illness of a loved one, or the thought that our child is having to experience his or her own painful “lessons of life.”

6. NOTICE WHAT DRAWS THE DEPRESSION TO YOU.

We begin to sense that depression may not come upon us randomly, but is drawn to us by something within ourselves;

that it is even beckoned to come to us so that we might be able to understand something about ourselves, or become aware of a deeper purpose within ourselves and our lives. We may see that depression comes to us as it does because we know that we need something that heavy, that crushing, that powerful, if we are to be shaken, moved, and broken to the extent that we will be motivated to both do something—the right thing—for ourselves, and even rebuild ourselves and our lives if necessary. One of the effects of depression is disillusionment, which is normally judged by our culture to be quite negative and destructive, and therefore to be avoided at all costs. However, if our lives are so based in illusion, in false appearances, that we live superficially and are superficial, then something is wrong; this is not who we are or what we are about. We know this inside ourselves and cry out silently for something to free us from these chains of illusion. Our depression holds the power and the ability to bring dis-illusionment to us. The experience may be terrifying and incomprehensible, but, nevertheless, it contains the key to ourselves and to our self-understanding and self-mastery.

7. COMPREHEND THE PURPOSE OF YOUR DEPRESSION.

As we understand and recognize the source of our depression, we become aware of the meaning it has for us and the purpose in our lives to which it leads us. Depression is often incredibly painful in its process. Observing it and learning from it are not for the faint of heart, but for those people who are sensitized enough to be capable of consciously experiencing the suffering it brings, listening to its voice, and courageously responding to its message. People become trapped in their own emotional responses to the reality that depression presents to them, while simultaneously remaining absolutely unaware of that reality, either because it is simply too painful to accept or too deep to comprehend. As a result, the pain, despair, fear, and utter hopelessness paralyze them. However, there is the possibility that, if done right (and there is no “one right way,” by any means), a person may come to the “heart” of their depression, and discover that what they call their depression is actually a sensitivity to their own deeper self, their own soul that speaks to them through the mode and vehicle of this acute sensitivity we call depression.

Your experience of this process of Depression’s Seven Steps to Self-Understanding has the capacity to help you to reframe your relationship with your own depression and yourself. “A Technique to Access the Experience of Depression’s Seven Steps to Self-Understanding” is presented in Chapter Eight. The following chapters provide a foundation of understandingand knowledge upon which to base your experience of self-understanding.

The Wisdom of Depression

Do not run from your depression or hide from your despair for they hold wisdom within their pain. They offer you something worthwhile if you would but hold them gently and inquisitively. Inquire and they will speak to you, telling you the truth about yourself and many things. Befriend them and you will understand. They are there for you, and have come not to hurt you but to help you, knowing that you have beckoned them deeply.

More on this topic will follow soon.

STEPS 1-3 OF DEPRESSION'S 7 STEPS TO SELF-UNDERSTANDING

1. RECOGNIZE THE SIGNS OF DEPRESSION'S APPROACH

We recognize the signs that depression is oncoming. Such recognition of the ways in and through which our depression

comes to us gives us a warning that it is approaching, allowing us to prepare ourselves. With this awareness, we are not caught by surprise and, as a result, are not as initially fearful or severely affected. We may become aware of personal experiences like a certain mood, specific thoughts, a feeling in the body, or simply a sense of tension that warn us of oncoming depression.

2. BE AWARE OF THE WAY DEPRESSION SHOWS ITSELF

We become aware of the ways in which depression initially acts upon us and, just as importantly, of our responses to it. This awareness helps to prepare us to bear the brunt of depression's onslaught as it hits us full force.  Being aware and at least somewhat prepared to receive this full force of depression can have the effect of decreasing our anxiety and fearfulness about it. Our ability to "weather the storm" is enhanced. Though the storm will still come in all its power, our awareness that is is on the way and knowing the damage it can cause, better prepares us to "batten down the hatches" at least a bit, and receive the depression with a greater sense of safety fortified with the knowledge that it will eventually pass.

3. RECOGNIZE YOUR REACTIONS TO DEPRESSION

We create and preserve and awareness within ourselves of a sense of peace and safety even in the very midst of the throes of depression. Upon discovering that we have the ability to recognize the signs of depression as it approaches us, and can observe and be aware of its effects upon us and our responses to it, we may realize that we also possess an ability to find peace and safety within ourselves, and that this ability is present within us even in the midst of the worst depression. This is the beginning of an experience of our own ability and power to both recognize and deal with our depression and ourselves.

THE NATURAL PLACE OF BREAKING DOWN

We don’t seem to realize that our lives, i.e. our worldly lives, “wind down” and then, sooner or later, end. We become so identified with our “worldly” (i.e. physical/sensory) existence that this winding down, i.e. breaking down appears as utterly unfair to us. We have no vision whatsoever of any other world, any other kind of existence, and this ignorance makes it all far worse for us. We are so far removed from death and the process of it until we ourselves or perhaps those around us begin this process of winding and breaking down.

For myself, I see that I am physically much more limited and even in pain at times. Even more, I see it happen rapidly with my wife. Yet there is a kind of birth into a new reality that begins to take place; call it an other-worldly reality. Strangely, I have become more aware of this physical, worldly reality in the process of my own winding and breaking down. When I go into the deep forest, I am aware of something beyond or behind this apparent dimension that seems to be approached, at least for me, though this worldly, physical dimension. There is an underlying presence of undistractedness, of complete centeredness, of absolute peace yet also very alive, if not a “greater life” in itself. I live more and more (and sometimes less and less) within this context of being. Whenever I “fall out of it”, i.e. of this awareness, I suffer immensely in loss, abandonment, and despair. And it is absolutely unbearable. It rather quickly breaks down any false hopes or beliefs I may have constructed to fortify an identity with this world. I am gradually returned to this sense of and life within a greater context, a greater life, if you will. Some will call this greater context, greater life, “God”, though I prefer not to since we ascribe too much agency and personality to that term. A greater context, greater life simply exists and exists for all. Jesus said as much when he stated that the sun shines on the gentile as well as the Jew; we are all chosen, so to speak, to live within this greater life. It neither loves nor hates us; it just is as it is.

THE GIFT OF DEPRESSION

'The gift of depression? Is this guy crazy? I'm sorry but it ain't no gift to me! It's a curse! Who doesn't know that?' I would say that most people with depression would have that response.

However, what if we were to view depression as a gift rather than as a curse? Again, most people with depression would probably ask: 'Why on earth would I ever want to do that with a condition so utterly painful and unbearable?'  True, depression is utterly painful and unbearable for many, including myself. But, does something that is utterly painful and unbearable have to be only a curse? Can it be something else for us, something of value, something that can even help us to understand ourselves and live our lives better?


I'm not talking about attitudinal change; I'm talking about recognizing a greater context in which life occurs, in which we and our lives occur. What if this pain of depression actually had some kind of purpose in our lives? A purpose that we might only become aware of if we could see that this depression actually brings a certain kind of awareness and sensitivity to us, or, to put it in the opposite way, our particular awareness and sensitivity bring us into a painful state that we call 'depression'. I believe--and have experienced--that this may actually be how it is (for myself and a good many others); that there is a greater context in which our depression does bring us a deeper comprehension of not only our own lives and ourselves, but of existence itself. Of course it only brings this deeper understanding if we open ourselves to it and are willing to give ourselves a chance. This does not mean that we want our depression or seek it, or that we love misery or self-pity; it just means that we recognize our situation and realize that we need to face it and ourselves in some more realistic way.


Does the depression, the sensitivity, the awareness, and the accompanying 'difficulty' go away when we approach it in this way, with this understanding? Well, the depression, the sensitivity, and the awareness do not go away, however, they are changed. The sense of unbearable pain changes when we see that something valuable is being given to us in and through our 'depression'. Once we experience for ourselves that we are being given a 'gift' of self-understanding and appreciation of self, others, and life, it is very hard to be 'depressed' in the sense that we are being victimized. We see that we are receiving the 'gift of depression'.


I recognized and experienced this reality so clearly that I wrote a book about it! It took almost three years for it to work itself through me, but I did it. That in itself was a gift; I couldn't do it now. It was as though the depression contained a message for me to convey to all those who have what we call 'depression'. In addition to that, I have worked with many people in groups and classes on 'understanding depression'. Many people in these groups and classes have most definitely benefited from the perspectives and exercises presented by me and in my book. I have seen this for myself and they have told me. Thus, it's worth a try. There is so much more to 'depression' than we know, believe, or have been told! But to discover this 'much more', we need to be willing to look and to be open to ourselves, and others who may have something to offer us.

GETTING BACK TO IT

I obviously had a bit of a hiatus these past few months. My wife, Amy Pierovich, is very ill (as well as being disabled) with Fibromyalgia, and I have been editing her book, Tradition and Change in Urban China: A Critical Hermeneutic Inquiry of Language, Culture and Identity in Shanghai, in addition to caring for her.

However, now I am back. To be honest, it also seemed to me that absolutely no one ever reads this blog, so I simply wasn't very inspired to continue. However, I have decided to continue with the blog "just in case" someone might be helped in understanding and working with their depression--so that they and their life improve.

I might add something here regarding depression that some may find interesting. Let me paraphrase something from Alice Bailey's Esoteric Healing [Lucis Trust, New York, 1953](p.566): "... the soul's [product of the merging of spirit and matter] inclination to 'the good' can bring about resistance upon the physical plane so that the turmoil thus engendered in the consciousness ... can and does produce disease. This type of disease is responsible for many of the difficulties of advanced people, aspirants and disciples. This 'friction' produces then a secondary reaction and leads to those psychological conditions to which we give the name 'depression, an inferiority complex, and the sense of failure.' This particular source of disease, 'the Good,' is one that primarily affects the mental types."

I'll share one more section, On Problems of Melancholia [Depression] (pp.338-9), from the same book: "These problems of melancholia are ... due to a wide variety of causes.
1. A sense of frustration, a thwarted wish-life, or a recognition of a basic life failure.
2. A sense of dramatics, and a desire to figure importantly on the little stage of a person's life. This can often be quite unrealized and have a truly subconscious origin, or it can be a carefully cultivated habit or attitude.
3. A devitalized condition, largely of an etheric nature, which robs life of all joy and desire and presents always a sense of futility. Many women passing through the menopause experience this.
4. A certain form of breakdown in the cells found in a a particular area of the brain.
5. Based on fear of insanity and of death--a baseless fear which has never materialized but which does constitute an idee fixe, so that the person is the victim of a well-developed thoughtform.
6. A tuning-in, through oversensitivity, on the suffering and massed pain of the world. Disciples can be temporarily overcome by this.
7. This condition is very seldom brought about by any form of obsession such as 'an earthbound entity or a living vampire-like person.'
8. Sometimes a person tunes in on a state of massed melancholia, such as can be found in our sanitariums or asylums. The condition has then nothing really to do with him, but being sensitive, he identifies himself with those who are suffering from acute melancholia.
9. Melancholia, as a symptom of disease (not of brain disease) is also fairly frequent and will disappear when the disease is under proper treatment."

This source is primarily theosophical in its perspective and approach. Many of its essential ideas exist in other approaches, at least to some extent, such as Jung's work. Both sources, among others, are also reflected in my book, which is available on this blogpage.

AN INTRODUCTION TO "DEPRESSION'S SEVEN STEPS TO SELF-UNDERSTANDING"

As a result of my experience in working with others and myself, and through my study and research of Western and Eastern philosophy, psychology, mythology, anthropology, history, theology, and indigenous traditions, I have come to recognize and delineate various “steps” or phases that occur within the process of depression. Each of these phases needs to be consciously experienced and integrated if one is to be able to understand, see through, and consequently move through the confining and often arresting condition of depression.

I present them in this chapter in a preliminary and introductory form to illustrate the developmental parts of the process of depression so that you might begin to absorb and integrate this information, consciously and unconsciously, and thus become more receptive and permeable to its actual experience as you proceed through this book.

The intent is that, by the time you reach Chapters Seven and Eight, you will eventually consciously work with these phases as they occur within you; utilizing them specifically

as you experience each step of the depressive process within yourself. Depression‘s Seven Steps to Self-Understanding are logical, understandable, and practical, both in their composition and their progression, and make complete psychological sense.

It would be very helpful at this point to hold the possibility

in your mind that we are able to comprehend “lessons” of

self-understanding within and through our own depression. A formal presentation of Depression‘s Seven Steps to Self-Understanding is given in Chapter Seven, which also includes a more thorough examination and discussion. But it is important that these developmental steps in the process of depression be introduced now, since they may be new and unfamiliar, and it is vital that we familiarize ourselves with these new ideas and feel as comfortable as possible with this notion of self-understanding through depression.

Depression is perhaps most clearly understood as possessing two parts: the depression itself, and our reaction to this initial depression. When depression initially appears, we don’t necessarily “see it coming,” and may therefore experience it as quite alien to ourselves. As the recipients or “victims” of this depression, we instantly react to it, and, through our reactions and responses, create and establish our own particular relationship with depression, including our mode of dealing or not dealing with it.

In depth psychology, depression is considered to come from

the psyche, the soul, or what is called “the unconscious,” the

unknown part of ourselves. In addition to this, the psyche-soul, in and of itself, is considered to have its own existence and identity, connected with our conscious being, yet also

independent. Thus, the psyche-soul is seen as having power

not only in its own life, but also in ours. This overpowering

influence upon us has often been referred to as “destiny,” “fate,” or “God’s will.”

These depth psychological ideas regarding the psyche or soul and the part it plays in our lives may be difficult to understand, much less accept, at this point, but in our intention of learning to work with and learn from depression, it is helpful and practical to see it in this way. Otherwise, we will want and try to believe that the process of depression is all under our control and that we should therefore understand its operation and its goals. Such a belief, which is only partly true, is an obstacle to our receptivity, understanding, and ultimate acceptance of our depression as it is rather than as we would like it to be. In this process of coming to terms with our depression, we therefore work both with ourselves as we respond and relate to our depression, and also with our depression as if it were a

separate entity.

Depression’s Seven Steps to Self-Understanding illustrate a

process through which we expand our viewpoints to include

other perspectives and possibilities pertaining to depression,

and also in which we open up our views of ourselves to include a greater spectrum, resulting in an expanded understanding of who and what we are and can be. These perspectives and possibilities are discussed further in the next chapter.

The formal presentation of Depression‘s Seven Steps to Self-

Understanding in Chapter Seven is similar in many ways to this preliminary introduction, however, to provide this blueprint for you now will lend itself to the building of your own structure of comprehension upon a firm foundation that you will be able to utilize for yourself in your own life. Once you take in the information, knowledge, and perspectives provided in the ensuing chapters, and participate in the experience of Depression‘s Seven Steps to Self-Understanding, you will have a much greater understanding of the deeper process of depression presented in Chapters Seven and Eight, and will be more able to actually employ this understanding in the living of your own life.

Following in the next edition of this blog is the preliminary presentation of Depression‘s Seven Steps to Self-Understanding. At this point it is best to just read, absorb, and accept them as best you can, even if you have doubts and questions. You needn’t believe them nor accept them as true, but do consider the possibility that this process to self-understanding through depression may be possible. You may, if you like, imagine how it might unfold within you and manifest in your life. However, the intent at this point is simply for you to be exposed to this view of the depressive process as a way to an eventual attainment of deep self-understanding. Again, there is perhaps new information for you that is given here. Just read it, take it in, and don’t try to figure it all out, necessarily understand it, or experience it at this point. You’ll have ample opportunity to do that later.

        

THE DIRECTIONS OF DEPRESSION

Depression has many directions. Again, what is proposed here is that depression, as it occurs in our lives, does have personal meaning for us, and also, that it has its own reasons for being there.


Depression has the capacity to lead us to profound self-understanding and self-mastery, however, if we view and experience depression as a curse, we will surely feel and be cursed. On the other hand, if we can accept and experience that depression contains within it a way through its hellishness, we may be able to view it as a blessing, even a gift. This particular understanding and insight are only available to those who have depression, for they, as much as they might prefer it otherwise, are no longer able to live in their illusions of belief, safety,
contentment, and convention.
 

Those who have depression possess the key to their inner selves, their own soul, their own underworld, and such a journey awaits them. It is not an easy journey by any means.We do “go through the fires,” but the fires purify us of our false and self-destructive beliefs and actions. And the accompanying disillusionment of depression actually can lead us out of the darkness of our self-ignorance into the light of our self-understanding.

Those who are called to depression, to this particular level and kind of sensitivity—mental, emotional, psychological, and spiritual—are drawn to this journey. They are among those who have become sensitive enough and disillusioned enough to begin moving into heretofore new territory within themselves, and perhaps in the outer world as well. With some external guidance combined with their own self-guidance, they can witness for themselves the “light at the end of the tunnel,” and consciously move in its direction.

We each have our own particular journey, however, a guide that points out the universal reference points and direction markers on the journey can make a difference. In fact, we are literally surrounded by these reference points and direction-markers all the time. We must simply learn to be able to recognize them. This is the function of a guide. This book helps us to recognize the guidance which is right in front of us and within us. It does require that we be open to such guidance so that we might learn to recognize it and benefit from it.

SEEING DEPRESSION AS A SPIRITUAL DIRECTIVE

I'd like to discuss the notion of "depression as a spiritual path". I don't think we should necessarily view depression in this way, since in my own experience with myself and others, depression, if understood properly and experienced deeply and honestly, has the capacity to point us in what might be called "spiritual" directions.

I definitely do not see depression as a "disease", though it can certainly be a chronic condition. I suppose it is a disease if it comes upon us and we react to it as if it were a disease, keeping it in place and essentially maintaining it in our ignorance of what it may hold for our spiritual, or psycho-spiritual direction and development.

Depression is not to be seen as a "spiritual path" because it is not an end in itself; it points beyond itself. However, its nature is deep and psychic, that is, pertaining to the soul, the psyche, and it consequently has a strongly spiritual component and power--if we are willing and able to learn from it and "use" it properly.

Another point I wish to make is that I don't believe there is any "cure" for depression. I say this because I see depression as a component of our psycho-spiritual process, rather than as a disease to be cured. Depression is at least partly a sensitivity to the voice of our own soul, or deeper self. If misunderstood or misinterpreted, which is the norm in our culture, depression does become a chronic condition, and it causes profound suffering on many levels of consciousness and unconsciousness. If we see depression as our "soul-sensitivity", our goal is to comprehend it and experience it from this perspective and in this way, rather than to be "cured" or "healed" of it. "Soul-sensitivity" is fraught with much self-responsibility. That level of sensitivity is a deeper-than-normal awareness. It is actually a gift, however, it is also a blessing and a curse. Sometimes we are aware of more than we want to be aware of. Sometimes we feel the suffering that exists in the world itself, and wish we were not so sensitive. But, in fact, we are, and there is no denying that reality and fact. And there is no getting away from ourselves.

Our "depression" or soul-sensitivity will stay with us probably for our whole lives. We will never really lose this sensitivity. However, as we come to understand it and experience it in its peace-bringing qualities, we will not suffer so intensely and ignorantly as a result of it. I try to practice zazen, Zen Buddhist meditation, every day. For me, it becomes very much an exercise in self-observation--of thoughts, emotions, beliefs, bodily sensations--and in this practice, I have to "sit with" whatever is bothering me or painfully affecting me the most. I sit "in" it, feel it, watch it, experience it, and this is profoundly difficult and painful oftentimes. There is no escape from myself in this "soul-sensitivity" or depression. And, though I vow I'll never "sit" again, I try to last through the meditation. And the next day, I sit again--not because I force myself, but because I want to and because I know it is what I need to do for myself. Though I make it sound like torture, it also has its moments of profound experience of being "free", that is, of being beyond myself in a state of "no-self". We each have our own way of "being with ourselves as we are" and I mention this as my way. Your own way will be discovered by you. In my book, I present questions to ask yourself to help promote an understanding and a relationship between you and your soul. The depression or soul-sensitivity qualifies you as one who may be able to have this kind of contact with your inner self or spiritual-self, as it were.

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I am in the process of converting my book into a series of on-line educational seminars for those who prefer this kind of presentation and learning experience. It breaks the book down into bite-size pieces and provides opportunities to experience an exercise in each "class" of each seminar. I will keep you informed of the progress of this endeavor.


I will be providing a free introductory seminar to the series to give people an opportunity to sample the seminars and to sign up and purchase one to see if they like it or to purchase the whole series at a discount. The price will be quite reasonable. I'll let you know when the free introductory seminar is ready.

ON "MAKING SENSE" OF DEPRESSION

The term, “depression,” has come to have many meanings in our culture. For us to be able to approach depression with a degree of helpful and applicable understanding, depression must be seen from different perspectives and also deconstructed or broken down to its particular components. We therefore approach depression from medical, historical, cultural, psychological, spiritual, philosophical, mythical, and literary points of view. Though these perspectives often overlap and parallel each other, the knowledge and understanding of them provides a broader spectrum and greater context in which to consider depression and ourselves in depression.

Each perspective on depression is related to and builds upon each other perspective to provide a kind of overall foundational structure, however, individuals have their own ways of seeing and interpreting, that is, their particular subjective philosophical and psycho-spiritual frameworks. Consequently, any particular perspective is to be questioned and put to the test by the individual, but still with a respect for its possible viability for others. We attempt to define and come to terms with depression, a state that is practically indefinable due to an understanding that must be interpreted through individual experience and is therefore perpetually changing.

An effect of treating depression with too much logic and organization based in a need to “make sense of” and rationally

understand depression is to destroy the integrity and freedom of the spirit of the depression by limiting it only to certain

boundaries, structures, and origins that provide us and the "clinical experts" with a sense of control over the depression. Clinical and scientific “factual” descriptions of depression, though valuable in their categorization and delineation, can be and are misleading. First of all, the “facts” involved are interpretations from observations which may or may not be accurate and are set within their own interpretive context or viewpoint. Second of all, those experiencing depression experience it differently than their observers and note-takers, ascribing importance to different aspects and qualities, and
interpreting their experiences differently than their observers. The “blanket” descriptions given us by the experts who do their best to provide objective descriptions do not convey what is an inherently intensely personal and subjective experience. Such descriptions are like trying to convey the beauty and experience of a sunrise in a factually descriptive news report.

Instead, consider that the depression contains and carries its own reason for expressing itself, which is combined with our own unique experience of it. Consider depression to be like the Muse who inspires the poet to write the poem by simply descending upon him or her. In our observations of depression itself and of the different ways in which it appears and through which we experience it, for now it would be most helpful to see depression as coming of its own accord upon us. The rationale for this is will be understood in due time.

There is a logic and an order in this exploration of depression;

however, it is similar to the logic and order in a work of art. The logical and orderly framework and technique are present in Michelangelo’s Mona Lisa, but what we see, are affected by, and respond to is much more than it mechanics or structure. Beethoven’s Seventh Symphony is presented by means of many

individual instruments, each producing its own particular sound

according to musical notes written on a page, however, we are moved by the power and beauty of the music as a whole.

This book in all its components, harmonious and discordant, defined by spaces of silence, may be received as a symphony that, through its wholeness, has the capacity to move and affect us as a whole, rather than just our intellect or emotions or body or soul. To accomplish this level of receptivity, experience, and understanding, we do the best we can; observing ourselves and our own personal dynamics as much as possible. And that’s as far as we need to go with our self-observation. We listen to the music or take in the painting as it is in this moment. It affects us as it affects us in this moment and we pay attention to that. We hear it as we hear it and see it as we see it. And so be it. It is never the same; our experience changes. There is no measurement or comparison to be made even if we believe we “could have done better.” Hearing the music simply as you hear it is a more authentic and enjoyable experience than wondering if you’re hearing it as you’re supposed to hear it. When I listen to Beethoven’s Seventh, sometimes I am moved to tears,

sometimes the repeated tonal themes stand out, and sometimes I hear the tension-creating gaps both in the rhythm and in the discordance. It is never the same. Nor am I the same.